TRIALS OF A BIG PHARMA SALESMAN

      Up and coming Stanford MBA Joe Paskudnik arrived at his place of work, Good Pharma Headquarters, on a rainy day in April, only to learn that he had been fired. As the guards hustled him out of the building he recalled, ruefully, his boss one day muttering to him, while patting him on the back, “Joe, you’re going to go far.” Now, he thought, with a measure of bitterness,”Yeah, out the front door!” After all, he was not solely responsible for the failure of Good Pharma’s new drug, elixerfor, widely touted as a permanent cure for Uneasiness, that nearly brought the company to its knees.

      Joe was assigned to shepherd the progress of the drug through development, test and manufacturing, and herding it through fast-track approval by the Food and Drug Administration, astutely planned for year-end, when the atmosphere tended to be more jovial at the Agency.

      Upon receiving approval of the drug for distribution, Joe immediately put into effect
a plan that he had prepared in advance for a blow-out introduction of elixerfor to the public.  
      America’s premier drug pushers, MSNBC and CNN, were extremely cooperative in opening up prime time spots, sensing, no doubt, the million dollar opportunities that lay ahead. Television screens were filled with advertising, featuring a thinly clad girl with pretty lips reclining on a pink bed, though it was never clear what the connection was to the malady. The ads were always concluded with ass-covering litanies of call-your-doctor side effects, ranging from hair loss to kidney failure to impotence to fits of anger and desperation.

      Copious samples of the drug were sent to sales representatives to deliver to physicians in their respective territories. Joe himself hit the road to visit physicians of his acquaintance at their offices in California, carrying satchels filled with samples of elixerfor.

      It was a storybook introduction. Good Pharma was overwhelmed with the success of their product. Favorable comments poured in. Joe Paskudnik was promoted to Vice President, and moved to a top-floor office. A general feeling of well-being reigned far and wide. Good Pharma stock soared in value. Christians partied with Muslims.

       Then the debris hit the fan, as it were. Automobile drivers who had driven for some time were prone to severe attacks of vertigo, definitely an unsafe condition when driving at high speeds. The serial collisions and subsequent pileups were memorable. When the cause was finally traced to elixerfor, Good Pharma stock plummeted. The company found itself compelled to underwrite auto insurance companies, who were, naturally, besieged by claims.

       Disconsolate, Joe Paskudnik spent days brooding and draining six-packs in his Manhattan apartment, his girlfriend, Petunia Sidewinder, by his side.

      “What will you do?” Petunia asked.

      “Reboot, I guess. I don’t know anything else. Think I’ll head West. My sister lives in California. There’s a start-up in San Diego with a new drug that cures Apathy. I believe I can help them.” 

-Edward Hujsak